pontificus | ( duplicity ) inbox

[He covered her hand with his, letting out a deep sigh at her touch. It didn't lessen the ache or the loneliness, but she was a warmth and a light that he needed to break through the storm of his emotions.]

I didn't think I would see it.

[Somehow he didn't imagine the people closest to him would disappear, even though he had seen so much loss in his life.]

I do not think any of think we will. It is a loss like any other. Our only hope is that perhaps they come back? I have heard tale some do, though not always with the memory of this place.

[She does not know if that will help him, but perhaps his submissive will return. Once upon a time she would have felt almost happy that she was gone, feeling the instant jealousy. But that was before. She has made her own choices here, and this place is not so simple. They are lovers, she won't deny that. But this place makes things much more complicated.

Lucrezia squeezes at his hand and urges him to come closer to her, offering herself as comfort should he need it.]

It would be better if they didn't. As much as I miss them, their lives are better not chained to this world. They belong at home.

[There wasn't much that could help, but he doesn't want to hope endlessly for the return of others or to leave himself. He wants her comfort and presence, drinking in the one slice of happiness he has found in this miserable place, no matter if it is complicated or not.

They're lovers and he knows he can never fully devote himself to her, but even that was better than completely denying himself what he has with her.]

I love you.

Not all wish to return home.

[She knows he doesn't. She knows what waits for him there. Lucrezia doesn't know how she feels still. It's complicated, and she doesn't know if things will ever change in that regard. It's part of what makes this place even more of an anomaly.

But then he's looking at her in this way, and before she can even question him on it, he's admitting how he feels. Lips part to say something, and she takes his hand gently. She knows there are feelings for him, but everything about this place is complicated.]

I tried not to feel anything here. It asks so much of us, but I know I care for you. [It might not be the response he wishes, but it is honest.]

[It isn't what he would like to hear, but that was never something he expected from anyone. Growing up without a mother's love and his father's distant respect, it wasn't something he was exposed to. His life had prepared him for the cold and loneliness of the Wall, even after he had walked away from the black.

He nodded, pressing a kiss to her brow in acknowledgement for what she offered. It was something at the very least. He pulled away, heading into the kitchen to find something to drink.]

I don't have any wine, only ale.

I could order more?

[She could have lied. It would have made him feel better, and it hurts when he does pull away, knowing no one likes to hear that when confessing one's feelings. Lucrezia swallows sharply, hand catching his.]

You sound as if you need it more than I. I will make do. [She still wants to be the comfort he longs for, even if she cannot offer exactly what he wants.]

[He didn't begrudge her the truth. Were he in better spirits, it wouldn't hurt him as it had. But the absence of so many he cared about, as well as knowing he'd never see home again, there was too much darkness in him.

Fingers held hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. She didn't need to say the words if she didn't feel it, but he couldn't deny how he felt about her anymore.]

You deserve something better than what I have.

[She pulls herself closer to him, still feeling like there is more to be said though the words are lost on her tongue. She just wants to bury herself in him to make him feel better. Especially when he says that to her.]

You know it is not that. I-- [She exhales slowly before looking up at him.]

I am betrothed back home to a man I am once again made to marry. The last man I even cared for was not even allowed to court me. I promise you that everything you have to offer me is more than enough. I have just spent so long guarding my heart, it is harder now to open it.

[He smiles sadly at her, brushing a stray hair from her face. His fingers lingered against her skin, gently running along her fully cheek until he could touch her sweet lips. She was beautiful in such a way that it hurt sometimes to look at her, but beneath that was a loneliness that spoke to him, something he understood from his youth.

He loved this woman fiercely, but she could never be his to keep.]

You don't need to open your heart to me, Lucrezia. [He sighed, ready to crawl into a bottle and stay there for several days.] I don't want you to force something that you might not feel. This place doesn't let us stay happy for long and I don't want to be the reason you hurt.

[She drops her gaze, pouting. It is too late for that, already feeling like there is a hole in her heart. It's always been there. She can fill it with many things. Perhaps this is her own doing. Once she complained about being unlovable, but here is a man, a good man, that professes his feelings for her.]

I just do not know how it would work here. We play pretend and talk about going to Winterfell, but here I am not your submissive, and I do not know what is to come next. I fear if I care for you, I could lose you as I have lost near everyone else.

[She leans into his touch softly.]

I don't know. I think that if something came of it, we'd need to be clear about where matters stand regarding others. I- [He sighed again, softening just at the feel of her against him and the possibility of something.] I wouldn't ask or want to know about others.

You feel safer with your brother as your dominant. I understand that and I won't press you to sign with me. But I'll need a submissive soon.

[He hesitated.]

You could help me choose them? You would have a say in my terms and who I signed with.

Edited 2019-03-11 01:43 (UTC)

[She listens to him, not sure how a relationship like this is supposed to work. In some ways it is not different than being a mistress, she imagines. It does not feel well to think of him with others, but it is clear he feels the same.]

That is a lot of power to give me. [He trusts her and wants her to be a part of this.]

It's not power, it's respect.

[He couldn't marry her or stay faithful, as much as his honor would scream at him. What he could do was give her a place in his life that no one else would have here. He could offer her respect and equality, as if she was his wife.]

I wouldn't give this to anyone else. Only you.

[She takes his hand in hers and smiles up at him. Lucrezia knows what this means. It's more than anyone has given to her, even more than what Cesare has given to her, a sort of freedom only they would share. She looks up at him and nods, understanding.]

I know what that means, Jon. And I would like to be a part of it if you wish me to.

I do.

[His heart feels like it will burst from his chest or he'll fall over from the speed of it. It was no small thing that they were discussing. A part of him feared if he blinked, it might disappear.]

You want to try?

I do not know what I can give you here-- [She only has the concept of polyamory as a man takes a mistress, but even in that confine, she would still have him in that way. He is not her Dom, but she would still want him in every other way.]

But if we could make this work in such a way, I am not against it.

Neither do I. [He was fortunate in his position to offer her some form of loyalty. It wasn't marriage or complete dedication, but it was the strongest possible form of love and loyalty that this world would allow him. But she was a submissive and he wasn't her dominant. She would have others as well and her contract would belong to Cesare.

It wasn't clear what sort of gesture she could make him, but it mattered very little to Jon. So long as he could give this to her, it was all that counted.]

You give me enough. You're here now.

[And she hadn't turned his offer of love away.]

I'm yours, that's all I want.

[She takes a step forward and reaches for his hand, squeezing gently. All of this is a lot, but she likes this idea, to be a more permanent in his life. It's what they have been growing toward.]

I am lucky to have you, Jon. Truly.

[A hand runs along the side of her cheek. There was likely more he could do or offer her as terms, but nothing came to mind. It didn't matter, they could decide more as time went on. At least for now, he had a reason for hope, no small thing in his life.]

I love you, Lucrezia.

[He leaned his brow against hers, soaking in the intimacy and her presence.]

I hope I prove worthy of you.

[She touches his cheek gently before leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth. She doesn't know if she loves him, but she knows she cares deeply for him and wants to see where this can go. So she holds herself closer to her.]

I have never doubted that you wouldn't be.

[He was willing to wait and see if her feelings became clearer. For now, there was this and this would be enough. His arms wrap around her, cradling her against him as he felt himself breathe more easily.]

If there is anything else you want as terms or boundaries, tell me.

[Her hands land low on his waist as he brings her in for a warm embrace. She is glad they can settle on something. It is as close to courtship as she can imagine here, and she cherishes what he's giving her, freely and of his own volition.]

Nothing I can think of. It will be hard knowing you are with another, but I know what this place asks of us. I cannot fault you what you are made to do.

[He knew when he asked her to stay that she would ease his darkness, but he never thought it would be this. One brief conversation and suddenly the color is returned to the world.

He can feel the heat of her hands through his shirt. That warmth blossoms in him, gnawing its way to his groin.]

I won't parade anyone else in front of you. It will be discreet. [Not that it made his jealousy any better.] It's no easier for me. Knowing when we're not together, you might be with someone else.

I know. [She knows he won't willingly hurt her. But it is going to be tough for the both of them. Lucrezia holds him close, treasuring the time she can have with him.]

We will just have to be open and honest with one another. Otherwise the jealousy will simply eat at us.

[He nodded, knowing that there was little chance of avoiding jealousy altogether. Gods help him, but he even envied her brother (though he wasn't ever going to address or think about the reason why.)]

Aye, I promise to tell you the truth about whatever you want to know or ask me. But you've got no reason to be jealous. There's no one like you.

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