pontificus | ( duplicity ) inbox

_{[The problem with 9S is that he fixates. He focuses on the details and has a hard time letting things go. The mood whiplash he'd received from simply answering a question and then trying to explain a concept that was already difficult to put into words only to receive vitriol in return...it shakes him to his very core. It's a problem with him, the fact he's so sensitive, and it leads to certain...problems and behaviours. He's been pacing in his and A2's apartment for a solid ten minutes, ungloved hands picking at synthetic nails. He feels like an animal in a cage and looks like one, what with the way he's acting.

Just when he thought he was getting somewhere, that he was maybe understanding humans a little better...he gets blasted. Was it really so easy to mess up? All he'd done was tell the truth.

All he'd done was try to explain a concept the way he'd been told about it.

He's not sure if he should even bother messaging her. What good would it do? Wouldn't he just be a bother? Maybe she was busy? But he's repeating those words over and over again in his head - the more he does the more his teeth clench. The more he digs his nails into his palms.

As if he didn't know of suffering or experiencing loss or death...why were his experiences or feelings so invalid in comparison? Were they really worth nothing next to a human's suffering?

In the end he does message her, simply because he doesn't know what else to do or who to turn to. Emotions are prohibited rings over and over again in his ears as he taps out a message, gaze dull as the screen reflects the words back to him. For once he wishes he hadn't been programmed with the ability to feel at all.]}

May I ask you a question?

For you? You may ask anything of me.

[Because she thinks this is a playful message, not aware of anything that has just transpired. She just likes any of the attention he gives her.]

See...that frightens me, because what if I mess up and ask the wrong thing? Or tell you the truth only for you to be displeased with it?

I'm speaking in general, that is.

As long as you are forthright with me and never try to purposely hurt me, I cannot see me being displeased with you ever.

Tell me, love. What bothers you so? [Because now she is concerned. This is no playful banter, but the messages of someone who needs her.]

_{[Love - that's what bothers him so. There are so many forms it takes and it's complicated for a being like him.]}

I would never purposely bring harm to you. It would hurt me to.

_{[Quite literally, which is why he's stressed out over the fact he clearly caused another human being such stress.]}

Remember how I told you that my kind, we see humans as our creators, as our gods? That we are created with an innate love for mankind that we cannot rid ourselves of?

Does that bother you? Do you see the affection I feel toward you as false?

[He won't know just what those words mean to her. Even Cesare who she loves most has hurt her, though he would always use their family as the reason.]

No, of course not. I know so little of what you are, but-- but I think of it like the ancient Gods. Many found favor with mere mortals, but often they had to prove their love, that they were worthy of it. Psyche had to beat the goddess of Love herself to gain the affections of her son Eros.

Who would subject themselves to that willingly if it was not love itself that stirred them? Love is an action, never passive. It is not the same as the reverent love that one gives much easier.

I was trying to explain the love we androids have for humanity to another human but it ended badly.

He hates me for telling the truth even though he asked for it.

I don't want to be hated.

We are very... contextual beings. What exactly did you say to him?

Is this about your friend, 2B? [Is this about two men loving the same girl?]

Well...he asked me if I'm programmed like 2B.

I told him all YoRHa units are programmed to feel affection toward humans and feel the desire to protect them. That to us, you're Gods. After saying as much, he said that nothing I feel towards humanity is real and is only a result of my programming. I told him it's more complicated than that, and so he asked me to explain.

I tried asking him if he believed in God, so I could explain it the way you did to me. He said he didn't, so I decided the next thing that would be comparative to loving god would be to loving one's parents, since they created you.

But I guess that was a mistake. A big one. He told me to take my programmed emotions and responses and to go fuck myself.

Edited 2018-12-05 05:38 (UTC)

I'm sorry his reaction was so volatile.

You are right. Love is a very complex thing. His own proximity to it or even distance can sway how reactive he is to the concept. If he has never known love before, if it has been cruel to him, it might be harder to see it the way I have.

For me it is different. Back home I have been wed, but my husband showed no love, and now I am made to wed again. My own betrothed does not wish to touch me. That you would love me just as I am is more than I could ever ask for. I need not ask you for anything, and you ask nothing of me in return.

But we are all not the same. He probably wants to be loved, to be chosen, to know that even amongst all the humans there are, that he is the one the moon itself shows herself as Selene did for Endymion.

Edited 2018-12-05 05:47 (UTC)

Don't we all want that? To be special?

Only special in my case has never been a good thing.

_{[It's just ended in his termination, time and time again...over and over...]}

I want to fix it but I don't know how. I always seem to screw up.

If you tried to explain it the way I had explained it to you, perhaps I should try talking to them?

And no one is perfect. To err is human.

I can't use that excuse, unfortunately. I'm not human.

If you wish you may. His name is Ezio Auditore da Firenze.

You are still not without fault.

Ezio?! You know Ezio. We are both from the same place, though I have not had the pleasure of meeting him until arriving here. I will talk to him. He is close to me, too.

Oh no, I'm nowhere near perfect. I might as well be defective at this point.

_{[Can you tell this place is getting to him? It's getting to him.]}

Only if it won't cause trouble for you. I don't want that. I really, really don't want that.

We are all broken in some form. You are not alone.

It is no trouble. We should have spoke longer on the topic of love. If it has caused Ezio some distress, I wish to ease it for the both of you.

I think I've been broken from the start.

_[Yiiikes...]

Thank you for listening to me. You didn't have to, but you did. I don't deserve it.

Then we will be broken together.

Please do not think such things. You have been just as kind to me, and I had done very little before this. If I can help you and Ezio, then I am glad to do so.

Unfortunately I don't know how to fix humans or I'd attempt to fix you.

I just don't want to be in trouble again. I'm always finding myself in trouble because of my mouth or otherwise.

Sometimes it is just the offer that matters.

It is okay. We will try and resolve this. It may take time, but matters of the heart are always delicate. And in this place? It is even harder.

I wish I could offer more.

_{[So much more. Even though he's been here for almost two months now, it feels as if he hasn't offered any one anything of true value or merit.]}

Thank you.

That is all I need.

Will you be okay?

I'll be okay.

Thank you for being kind to me.

You needn't thank me for that.

I feel I should.

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pontificus - 2018-12-09 05:49 (UTC) - Expand

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callmenines - 2018-12-09 05:53 (UTC) - Expand

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